

Penis-man's secret is a secret no more. Fox news reported yesterday that Penis-man's true identity is that of Billionaire Playboy Finis J. Cockenfeller III.
Cockenfeller, who inherited billions after his parents were slain at a circus, could not be reached for comment. The evidence that Cockenfeller is Penis-man's alter ego seems overwhelming. Fox news' own, reporter Lois Labia, uncovered the Penis-man costume when having an affair with Cockenfeller, whom is known as a notorious ladies man. When Labia confronted him about the costume, Mr. Cockenfeller admitted he was indeed the famous crime-fighter. Cockenfeller asked Labia not to "out him", but the story was to much for her to sit on, and Fox News ran with it.
Below is a short outline of Mr. Cockenfeller/ Penis-man's Life.
-- Finis Jerome Cockenfeller III is born.
-- His parents are murdered during a freak-show. "Lobsterman" is arrested the next day. He claims to have snapped after he noticed Mr. and Mrs. Cockenfeller gawking at him.
-- Cockenfeller III is raised by a kindly old Uncle with a fondness for young boys.
-- Cockenfeller III is struck by lightning while holding a dildo.
-- Cockenfeller III recovers from the lightning strike, but notices his body is changing in strange ways. His Uncle is not happy.
-- Penis-man appears for the first time. He saves a family of four after extinguishing a house fire with the biggest load of jizz the world has ever seen.
-- Penis-man's faithful sidekick is stomped to death by Neo-Nazis.
R.I.P. NUTSACK, you will be missed.
-- Penis-man kills "Lobsterman" by dropping him into a large pot of boiling water. Some say you could hear him scream.
-- Finis J. Cockenfeller III holds a lobster-dinner-fundraiser that earns millions for charity.
I have to laugh when I look at these pictures. How did I never put it together before? It almost looks as if some asshole just drew a suit over the Penis-man picture, then added those "Buddy Holly" glasses.
What a lazy artist... Anyway....
I for one don't care who Penis-man's secret identity is. He is a hero, a true American, and a blessing to all that love freedom. If I'm ever in trouble, I hope that he is near.
Penis-man, you can blow your powerful load on me anytime! God bless you sir!
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